i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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