i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
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I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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