i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
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Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
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You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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