My underwear smells like fireworks.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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