I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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