When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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