what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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