Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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