When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
