i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
