I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
