Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
