Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
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