I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
