the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
