Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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