I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
