you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
