you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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