New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
