that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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