I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
