While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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