Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
