It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
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He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
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Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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