nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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