I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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