We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
