Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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