On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
