I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
