i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
