I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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