you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
