just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
