My hair reeks of homosexuality.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
