Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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