You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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