So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
