I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
