remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Randomize
