beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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