nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
