we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
