I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
zippers are such a cool invention
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Randomize