In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
