yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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