i can't believe i had my finger in that
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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