She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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