The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
