I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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