she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
