Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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