After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
